Traditionalists Condem Somali Pirates

Somalian pirates, instigators of over 100 successful attacks on shipping in the last year, came under attack yesterday from several high-profile piracy traditionalists.

In an open letter to the London Times, three history professors, a retired Admiral, a naval journalist and a respected novellist, slammed the Somali pirates for their "flagrant disregard" for the traditions of piracy.

"Recent high-profile attacks on vessels in international waters have brought these individuals to the forefront of public exposure" reads the letter. "Whilst we admire the Somalis for restoring piracy to the front pages after several hundred years absence, we cannot condone their methods, tactics ansd attire.

None of the Somalis wear the uniform traditionally associated with pirates. Brightly coloured scarves tied around their necks, eye patches, buckled shoes and even wooden legs are conspicuous by their absence. Furthermore, none of the pirates appeared to be in possession of a parrot; a frankly shocking omission.

We were astonished to see the Somalis armed with rather crude rifles, in what can only be described as a flagrant disregard for the tradition of using cutlasses and broken oars.

The list of Somali breaches of pirate tradition is simply too long to cover here, but includes ransom demands made in US Dollars rather than gold galleons, Swiss bank accounts rather than treasure chests, and a refusal to make anyone walk the plank."

Somali pirates are yet to respond to the charges, yet are believed to be concerned that the accusations may irrevocably tarnish their international reputation.

Chaos in Eastern Europe as Russia Suspends Vodka Supply

Eastern European leaders urged their citizens not to panic today after Russia took the unprecedented step of halting vodka supplies to the region.

Russia pipes a billion litres of vodka a year to her former satellite states. A vast underground pipeline delivers the vodka from a gigantic production centre in Novgorod to the Ukrainian capital Kiev. Subsidiary pipelines then continue to Georgia, Belarus, Armenia, Moldova and the Baltic States.

A cessation of the supply was initiated yesterday by Russian Vodka Minister Sergey Khardiyev. Khardiyev, a former KGB officer and close ally of former President Vladimir Putin, ordered all vodka deliveries to be suspended at once, citing alleged "discrepancies" in payments received from Ukraine. "The Ukrainians have enjoyed preferential prices for a number of years", Khardiyev said in a statement issued by the Kremlin. "Despite this, there have been increased incidents of banditry and theft along the pipeline, and Kiev has reneged on a number of payments in recent times." Khardiyev went on to accuse both Georgia and Belarus of "irregularities"; hinting at a deliberate plot to "destabilize the critical income Russia receives from her vodka exports" to the region.

International commentators, however, fear that the incident is a further example of Russian neo-imperialism. "Russia is once again bullying her smaller neighbours" said Harvey Vallance, Emeritus Professor of Russian Studies at Cambridge University. "The Caucasus depends on a steady supply of vodka from Russia, and to order a complete cessation of supply in response to these alleged financial irregularities seems a wild over-reaction. In fact, Russia is once again wielding her economic power as a club with which to beat Ukraine, and by association her neighbours."

Meanwhile, chaos reigned in the affected countries. A state of emergency was declared in Moldova, which has been without a vodka supply for over 24 hours. Soldiers patrolled the streets of Chisinau last night to maintain order after threats were made against Russian-owned businesses, whilst several bars were looted in the desperate hunt for vodka. "It was a waste of time" said cafe owner Vlad Iliescu, 66. "We have no vodka left. No-one has. Things are desperate here."

In Ukraine, the government appealed for calm after rioting broke out in the capital and several large cities across the nation. Three people were reported dead in the port city of Odessa as mobs clashed with police. "The people are thirsty" a government official said early this morning. They have never gone a day without vodka before. If the Russians are trying to destabilize [President Victor] Yushchenko, they are going the right way about it."

Ukrainian Prmi Minister and Presidential hopeful Yulia Timoshenko is to fly to Moscow today in a bid to end the crisis. Privately, observers are hopeful that pro-Russian Ms Timoshenko will successfully broker a deal to restore vodka supplies to the embattled region, in what would represent a huge coup for the Prime Minister, but a further blow to President Yushchenko.

"If Timoshenko gives us our vodka back, she will be our saint" said a weak-looking Nikolai Gulovich, 58, from his Donetsk home. "Yushchenko may as well pack his bags, because for all we wish for freedom, we wish for vodka more."

Cadbury's Cause Controversy With 'Credit Crunch' Chocolate Bar

Cadbury's, amongst the oldest and most respected chocolate manufacturers in the world, were at the centre of a row today over their decision to produce a new chocolate bar named after the present economic crisis.

The "Credit Crunch", according to promotional material, will be "a tasty, chocolatey piece of escapism from harsh economic realities". The bar will be encased in "thick milk chocolate", but it's signature taste will come from "a tough, nougat-based centre that will bite as hard as the unremitting economic misery".

Responses varied amongst a select group of journalists and industry insiders who were present at a private tasting session this morning.

Biting into her "Credit Crunch", food writer Amanda Fawkes, 35, nodded appreciatively. "Mmm" she said, happily. "The "Credit Crunch" is a very pleasing chocolate bar in it's own right. Where it really scores, however, is in its cutting analogy to the present economic times. The lavish chocolate exterior, of course, parodies the spending excesses of the boom years. However, scratch beneath the surface, only a little, and you find the harsh, nougaty contrast of current times. The analogy continues, right the way through to how you throw the shiny wrapper away, like so many redundant workers".

Not all commentators were so impressed. Journalist Nathan Carroll called the bar "irresponsible", and was worried by the precedent. "What next?" he demanded. "Gaza Goodies, with an explosive sherbet interior? Or maybe Taleban Toffees?"

"It is an insult to hard-working folk" claimed Tim Toogood, spokesman for the TGWU. "Many people have lost their jobs, their respect and their dignity in the credit crunch, and they will not feel any happier by seeing these chocolate bars in their local newsagents."

A Cadbury spokeswoman responded by saying "Our Credit Crunch bars will retail at just 30p, enabling even the jobless to afford one, in the hope that it will inject a small ray of sunlight into their shattered lives. Plus, on opening the bar, you will see a competition in which three lucky winners will receive immunity from household repossession for the next two years!"

Cadbury's "Credit Crunch" will be available from all good confectioners next week.

"Bumbling" Barry to face Eggheads axe

Sensational news to begin our weekly look at the televisual Goliath that is BBC2's flagship quiz show Eggheads. Reports have reached the Courant that "Bumbling" Barry Simmons, the newest and demonstrably least talented Egghead, may soon be booted off the show.

"Bumbling" Barry, 59, whose own wife refers to him as a 'dustbin', has raised hackles on the cult show with his apparent imbecility ever since mysteriously winning his place on the team through the closely-fought "Are You An Egghead" contest.

Show host Dermot Murnaghan was unavailable for comment yesterday, adding fuel to the rumour that his recent non-appearances are related to an inability to stop laughing whenever "Bumbling" Barry loses a round to a supposedly hopeless contestant.

"It really is rather unfortunate" said Eggheads stalwart Daphne Fowler, 106, from her Devonshire cottage. "I mean, we had the contest to strengthen the team, because CJ, bless him, isn't the sharpest tool; Judith only knows things that rich people know, and Chris, well, it's just trains, isn't it? We hoped Barry would fill in a gap, but unfortunately the only vacancy is between his ears".

Never one to mince words, fellow team member Chris Hughes was scathing as he attacked the appointment from his trackside home in Crewe. "The bloke's thick as pig-shit" thundered the former railwayman. "He gets up there in the question room, babbles on in his own language, then comes out with somm'at daft".

There was no respite for "Bumbling" Barry even from fellow struggler CJ de Mooi. "I - just - don't - understand - it" said CJ, dramatically rolling his eyes in exasperation. "I can't be-lieve this rubbish he spouts about how he "knows the hard ones but gets the easy ones wrong"! He's thick, and that's all there is to it."

BBC sources have refused to either confirm or deny the sacking of "Bumbling" Barry. However, hopes are high that beaten 'Are You An Egghead' finalist Shaun Wallace will agree to take Simmons' place on the show. "After all" a corporation insider told us, "the final can't have been a fair contest, can it, otherwise he wouldn't have lost to "Bumbling" Barry in the first place".